Driving Lessons 101

You can't live in India and not have something to say about the traffic. Forget life being a race where you have to push others out of the way before you can make your own way forward, you should apply that logic on the roads. So here's a set of instructions for every newbie who's looking to survive driving, Indian style. First, learn to swear. Just a few choice bad words. In case your unwavering moral compass doesn't support that, that's okay. Just don't be surprised if, while driving, you are called by the names of every single barnyard animal that ever existed. In between the flurry of words, you might find that your unwitting relatives have been dragged into the conversation. If you are in doubt whether they are being insulted, don't. It’s a sure thing.

Second, learn the hierarchy of vehicles. Forget ambulances trying to get a dying person to the hospital in time or police jeeps chasing a dangerous criminal- the auto rickshaw, king of the streets, rules them all. Never underestimate one, and never make the mistake of thinking that an auto is travelling in the right direction. Only at the last minute will the driver turn in the intended direction, running over a few traffic rules in the process. In a census comparing the predictability of autos to the accuracy of weather forecasts, eighty-five percent favoured the weather forecast.

The remaining fifteen percent were auto drivers.

Except for backwards, there is no direction in which an auto cannot go, and no gap it cannot squeeze through. I said it once, and I'll say it again- don’t underestimate an auto rickshaw.

Third, all is fair in love and war- and driving. So remember to change the gear and drive on the left side of the road if you're a righteous, law-abiding citizen, and if you're not, drive in the middle of the road to cause the most annoyance to the maximum number of people possible. Watch out for people crossing the road at random, seemingly just when you're coming at full speed such that you have to stomp on the brakes (possibly also execute an impressive one-eighty-degree turn with sparks flying, you know, the works), clasp your hands in prayer in a sudden religious impulse and shout out apologies and promise to sacrifice things if only your life is saved, and come to a stop right in front of the person who just crossed the road with an inch to spare, and what's more, with everybody having witnessed your hysteria, you have no choice but to smile sheepishly and drive away. Traffic lights? What are they? Are you talking about those boxes with three light bulbs which are the futile attempts of the government to reduce the number of traffic accidents, which are wasted on the general public? Unless you like flashing lights, don't bother yourself with them.

You should also know that the chances of you not seeing cows, goats, dogs, and even the occasional donkey on the streets are lower than that of the sun rising in the west. Not to mention the dung, and plastic, and garbage, and food, and people spitting on the sidewalk, and- you know what? Let's just say that no amount of crash courses can prepare you for the actual adventure of driving on Indian roads. So just buckle up, drive safe and no matter what, don't forget to renew your vehicle's insurance.